Unschooling is a gift for the entire family. 

These are words I have spoken and written too many times to count.

When a family walks in the direction of unschooling, we learn and witness for ourselves the power and the depths of the numerous gifts that this path offers to our lives.  And even though this path allows us to be more fully alive in this world than we had ever been before, getting to that place can sometimes be painful.  It is the realization that only now are we fully awake and aware of the real Truths in our lives and of the world that causes pain (and is, in fact, the reason why many people never get to that place…because they are afraid to admit to and acknowledge the pain…because it…um…hurts…).  For many of our previous years, we were handed countless non-truths by people we had trusted, or were told to trust…most of them non-truths about real learning, handed to us by the schools. 

Personally, it was no shock to me once on the path of unschooling to realize just how very little was actually learned and lived during my years in that institution called school.  All of those years I had spent in school, my own inner Voice had been telling me that this was wrong…that this was a waste…that this was not how it should be.

I learned to ignore those messages coming from deep within me because, sadly, one of those non-truths that were handed to me was that I should ignore my inner voice and listen to those in authority, instead.

If I had been able to be honest with anyone during those years, I would have told them that I had felt like I was just going through the motions.  I would have told them that the excellent grades I was receiving were merely the result of a really good and photographic memory…that not only did I forget everything I had just been tested on once I walked out of that room, I barely understood it while I was in there, even though I knew I was selecting the correct answer, the answer “they” wanted me to choose. 

I had learned how to play the game and the entire time I felt like, some day, someone would surely see the truth about me and see that there was nothing really big going on inside, except a lot of fear and confusion. 

But they didn’t. 

“Going through the motions” was enough to satisfy them.

Like all the other school graduates in the world, after numerous years of living this half-lived life and attaining an even smaller fraction of an education, I was released into the wild with nothing more than an inaccurate map that deteriorated once it hit the open, fresh air of the real world.  Many skills, or “tricks,” rather, that I had developed for survival in that institution were no longer required in the real world and I was left with the only things that school had really given to me, the only things left since they taught me to quiet my own instincts and voice:  a great deal of self-doubt and fear. 

It is no wonder that once my child was born and I saw his incredible light emanating from the depths of his Being that I wanted to follow that light, for it was the first time I  truly had a glimpse of Truth, of LIFE, of something so beautifully real.  My inner voice that had been buried for so many years recognized the Truth my child was living and offering to me, and I knew that I needed to walk in that direction, too.  I knew, almost immediately, that I wouldn’t need to hold onto that deficient and inaccurate map from my years in school any longer. 

I knew my guide had arrived.

It was time for me to unlearn.

It was time for me to relearn.

Personally, there was not much that I felt was necessary to go back and unlearn and relearn that had to do with academia.  I found it easy and natural, as our unschooled children do, to reawaken my curiosity, heighten my awareness, to be interested in the world, ask my own questions and find answers.  So…no…shifting to a life of real, natural learning was not a difficult shift for me, because my guide was my child and I followed the map that he held within his heart.

However, the area of life that required a great deal of unlearning and relearning was the social facet.  Anyone who believes that the social needs of home and unschooled children aren’t being fulfilled is not really seeing the truth of that which they feel to be superior…the sad and dangerous social experiments going on in that unrealistic and temporary society that is school.  Children do not learn how to be healthy social beings in school.  As a child in school, I learned how to be corralled like cattle.  I learned that socializing is discouraged and I had to sneak it behind the authority’s backs.  I learned that “friends” meant “people the same age as you are,” those with whom I was stuck in the same grade, in the same school…our common bond being sneaky attempts at attaining some amount of joy amidst the captivity and misery.

And here’s what else I learned: that you do what you can to survive.  Tired of being the object of ridicule for many years of my school life, I got to the point where I just did what I needed to do to survive.  I left behind much of Who I Truly Was and became the person that the “popular” crowd would want to befriend.  If you’ve ever seen the movie 13 Going On 30 (please do not ask my children how many times I have seen the movie, for they would surely exaggerate and state a number in the triple digits), you’ll recognize the scenario.  High school student Jenna Rink betrays and abandons her true and best friend Mattie in order to be one of the popular “six chicks.”  Yup.  That was me.  Only in the 70’s, not the 80’s.  Flat hair…not big hair.

Fueled by that desperate need for survival and a deep desire to “fit in” instead of being ridiculed, my warped perception of what was really important in life took years…decades…for me to unlearn and relearn, as that survival instinct was instilled so deeply in me. 

And while I have finally excavated my Inner Voice and I have found my path to Joy, Fulfillment, Truth and Peace (thanks to both of my guides, my two children), I still, at times, feel paralyzed and mystified as far as social interactions…particularly how to approach someone, whether it be a complete stranger or someone with whom I am already acquainted, and become friends. 

What replaced my inner voice, my own natural instincts, during the school years was a cacophony of negative voices in my head.  Voices that continue to surface long after I left school, especially in moments of uncertainty.   The voices recognize the scenario and bring my past experiences, my days of ridicule, to the forefront of my mind.  They are loudest during my weaker moments, the times when I may not be completely and mindfully in a place of Strength and Peace.  They are the voices that bring up the incorrect and skewed definitions of the world and of life and of people that were handed to me in school, and they get in the way of my clear vision of the Truth. 

They say things like, “You can’t talk to her…she’ll just think you’re stupid.”  “You have absolutely nothing to offer to them.”  “You know you have nothing interesting to say.”  “They’ll probably make fun of you once you leave.” 

Sometimes the voices still try to persuade me to be someone else, someone whom the other people most certainly would want to be around.

But I have walked the rocky path to becoming Who I Am and Who I Want to Be for too long to turn around and go back now.  I have gone through the painful healing that was necessary for me to find and claim my lost inner voice once again.  I will not abandon that no matter how loud the negative voices become.  I have lived the Truth and it is glorious and I would not, for anything in the world, go back to that half-lived life, pretending otherwise. 

And so it has been work for me on my journey of growing and evolving to give power to my own inner voice and to know how to distinguish it from those negative voices of my past, all necessary in walking toward becoming a healthy and Whole social being. 

As with everything, taking small steps in the right direction and releasing my own preconceived expectations of greater things is important.  I have learned to be gentle with mySelf and celebrate any steps, no matter the size, that are walking in the direction of what is True inside of Me.

This positive perspective has been greatly rewarded, for by honoring Who I Am and where I am on my journey in this moment (and not being disappointed in or judgmental of mySelf for not being further along than Where I Am), I attract that which I am desiring, that to which I am paying attention.  Each time I honor my own growth, my instincts become more acute, and my inner Self becomes more aware of exactly what it is I am drawn to, and in the case of making new friends, I become more aware of to whom I am drawn.

It becomes a fascinating, beautiful, perfect, swirling and infinite cycle of projecting and receiving, Being and Trusting, requesting and claiming.       

My life has been rewarded with great and true friendships from learning how to walk on this path gently, from unlearning to relearning the art of being a healthy and Whole social being.

One such friendship began over seven years ago.  Jake (age 9 1/2 at the time), Sam (then 6 years old) and I were standing outside our local theater, waiting to be seated to see the play Golden Boy.  I spotted a family whom I had never seen before, and noticed that the boy, who looked to be around 8 years old, was holding the British version of the fourth Harry Potter book, The Goblet of Fire. 

My first instincts were so positive…I was drawn to the energy of this family immediately.  And that intuition was reinforced once we were seated inside the theater watching the play.  In a world where much of the interaction I witness between parents and their children is confrontational and disrespectful, here was a Mom who was sitting in between her children (in addition to the 8 year old boy, there was a girl, who looked to be about 10 or 11) and holding their hands, rubbing their backs, talking sweetly and respectfully to them.  And they were laughing together.  I was so drawn to their energy and I really wanted to be around it even more.

But there they were.  The negative voices were surfacing.  Just in time.

“They must be visiting someone…they’re from England!”  “They obviously don’t need you in their lives.”  “What could you possibly offer to them?” 

Why, oh why, do those negative messages get ingrained so deeply?

I almost let the negative voices take over, but there She was…my True inner voice…gaining Strength and Courage from my own Truth.  And she was NOT going to let me leave that theater without making an attempt to get to know this family better.

So this is what I did:  I told the negative voices to just shut the hell up.

During an outdoor intermission break, I strategically placed my boys and I near to the family, waited for an opportune moment, and walked forward—literally and figuratively—toward a new friendship.  In that moment, I was oh so thankful for the magical world-connecting language of Harry Potter.  I even went further, beyond the small chit-chat…I inquired about their visit to our beautiful, rural town, and gave them my phone number…hoping that they were drawn to my energy and would want to call me and get together again. 

Since that day, we have had a friendship that both of our families cherish beyond description.  We see each for only a few weeks every year, but our friendship is so grand that it not only blesses the lives of both of our families, but it ripples out into the Universe in so many beautiful ways and so many glorious directions that we couldn’t possibly know them all (as is True of all loving relationships and the splendid way in which they bless the Universe). 

Along this path of growing into a Whole and healthy social being, I have also learned that even when we have weak moments and allow the negative voices to get in the way, the Universe will continue to put in front of us that which our hearts desire.  In other words, if I don’t listen to and follow my own inner voice, She takes the matter to a higher authority and hands it over to the Universe for a “do-over”…or a “let’s try this again…” 

This happened one summer ten years ago when my boys and I kept running into the same woman and her daughter.  They were residents of New York City with a summer home in our rural area.  Yes, my instincts were shouting loudly to me, wanting me to go forward and connect with this woman.  But the negative voices were louder at that stage of my journey, and while I didn’t allow them to completely steer me on my path, I did manage to find ways to distract myself from and completely avoid both the voice of my instincts and the negative voices of my past.

But there she was.  Everywhere we went.  Every single time we turned around.  She and her daughter were there.  At the library, at the pool, at the farmer’s market, at the theater…

One day, after we had ran into each other for the fourth time that week, we didn’t even bother to say our polite “Hi’s” anymore.  We both just stopped and LAUGHED.  And we both looked up to the sky and said, “OK!  WE GET THE MESSAGE!”  And we exchanged phone numbers and made plans to get together the next week.

That friendship is still strong today (and we still both do and say the same things at the same time), and the mutually blessed relationship we have never ceases to amaze me.  I have been there for her exactly when she has needed a little nudge to get to the next step in her spiritual evolution.  And she has been the financial grant source of funding for my parent/child library program.  The ways in which we bless each other’s lives goes far beyond that, but those are two examples of how the Universe rewards us from trusting in our instincts…because ultimately, the Universe is reaping the rewards.

I know I am not the only one walking through this bumpy social portion of our paths.  I have witnessed many fellow travelers along the way.  One of the places I have noticed many of us on a similar growing and stretching social journey has been at unschooling conferences.

Here we are…gathered in one place…hundreds of people who understand the value of leaving behind all that was handed to us in our lives and learning (relearning) to follow our own hearts, our own instincts, our inner voices…and we all gather here at this place on our paths by way of following our children’s hearts and voices.

When unschoolers come together for either conferences or non-conference gatherings, the Joyful energy is a power that can not be equally matched in the Universe.  And while there is a deep Joy in just being at these gatherings, I do know many people often return home wishing they had shushed those negative voices and made deeper connections with other people to whom they were drawn. 

After the 2007 Live and Learn Conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina, Pam Genant, amazing conference assistant and organizer extraordinaire, wrote on her blog:

The Live and Learn Conference is over. My regret is not engaging in conversation with more people. I have always been an introvert. I know many people don't believe that but I am, deep to my core I am shy. That is why I volunteer so much, I get to meet everyone, share my gift of organization, hopefully make a positive addition and keep busy. Maybe the volunteering is good, maybe not. Maybe it is an excuse for me to meet people but never really "connect" with people. I am usually too busy to make those deep connections and really engage in conversation. I have a couple of friends that are so great at just starting a conversation and running with it. Not my forte.

So that is my regret. And something for me to ponder upon. And a goal of next year when I have a minute to engage more people in meaningful conversation.

Pam’s words echo the feelings of many conference attendees.

And while I, too, can completely relate, I do believe the following words are True about each and every one of us…to quote the amazing Amy Steinberg (not for the first and certainly not for the last time):

“I Am Exactly Where I Need to Be.” 

What is in front of us in this moment on our path is supposed to be in front of us on our path.  It is there for a reason.  How we respond to that which is in front of us is our choice…and what we choose is exactly what we’re supposed to be choosing.  Growing, stretching, learning, evolving…it’s all exactly as it’s supposed to be.  And it’s important to be gentle with ourSelves and not be disappointed with our growing experiences and decisions.  Each step in the direction of Who We Want to Be is a valid step, as I said, no matter what the size.  Even a step in the opposite direction is exactly as it should be. 

As is True of the gift we unschoolers give to our children—the gift of trusting that they will learn in their own time, in their own way—we need to give that gift to ourSelves, too.  When the time is right…when we say once or twice or five times or a dozen times that we wish we had connected with more people at the conference…we, one day, will be ready to make another step toward fulfilling that heart’s desire. 

We, one day, just will.

And that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.

Here is a testament to that from Deanne Rosselli, after attending the 2007 Live and Learn Conference:

I really enjoyed it this year so much, for so many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I actually introduced myself to a bunch of people this year! Woohoo! It's only taken 5 conferences for me to go "bold"!  I am so grateful to be part of such a wonderful "tribe" that not only encourages and supports the growth of free children, but that also readily accepts each of us "grown-ups" as we emerge too.

The conferences are like a concentrated learning experience and growth opportunity, given the vast amount of personalities that are together in one space during a relatively short time-frame.  Everyone comes to the conferences from a different place on their journeys.  We all have had different life experiences that make up Who We Are, and we’re all wired differently…some are wired in a way that allows the negative voices to have more power while others are wired in a way that has no room for any negative voices.  But we have one thing in common…we’re all walking toward our own Truth.  We’re all growing and learning and evolving, and at the conferences, we feel we can do so amongst others who also “get it.” 

I, myself, have not yet decided if being a speaker at the conferences improves or impedes my opportunities for connection with others.  On one hand, many people do come forward to talk to me after hearing my presentation and I love discussing the connections we discover we have.  And yet, on the other hand, many other people feel extra shy and intimidated about approaching a speaker at a conference, and they stay away.

At the 2007 Toronto Unschooling Conference, my boys and I were honored and thrilled to have my mother join us.  I was in awe of and completely impressed with the ease in which my mother connected with other people.  Being the grandmother of always unschooled teenage boys, many people had questions for her, and she has a way of knowing what to say, what to ask, what to talk about to maintain a conversation connection beyond answering a question or two.  When it came time to eat, I would look for my mother to decide what we were going to do, and there she would be—engaged in a conversation so deep with someone that I felt I would be intruding if I approached them!  It was certainly refreshing to think that perhaps the negative voices do lessen or altogether diminish as one grows and ages!

When my mother and I were in one of the Funshop rooms, I quietly confided in her that I thought a teenage girl who was there looked fascinating, and that I would like the chance to talk to her and know her a little better.  My mother looked at me, left my side, walked over to the girl and her mother, offered her hand and said, “Hi!  I’m Barb.  I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you yet.”

Um…thanks, Mom?!

While my mother showed no signs of any negative voices in her head, mine surfaced, but I shushed them again and walked forward, following and learning from my mother.  I walked up to the three, already engaged in a conversation, and said, “Hi.  I’m Anne.  I’m Barb’s daughter.”

Before the 2007 Live and Learn Conference, I had written to a few people whom I had never met before but knew on-line and told them I was looking forward to meeting them.  I also wrote to people I had met before and whose company I had enjoyed, and told them that I was looking forward to seeing them and talking with them again.   This was my way of not having an excuse once I got there to really connect with the people to whom I was drawn.  This was a guarantee that I would walk forward once I was at the conference. 

That conference did turn out to be one at which I had connected with more people than ever before…people to whom I had felt drawn and yet had never before had the courage to shush the negative voices in order to initiate a conversation.  I attended more Funshops than before and expanded my world and my boy’s worlds in that way (at the balloon hat Funshop, a friend of ours came up to us and said, “I wouldn’t have taken you for the balloon hat type!”), not to mention making great connections with new faces and old friends, too.

I plan on taking the lessons I learned this past year and walking forward even more…not just at unschooling conferences and gatherings, but in every day life.  I will mindfully choose to allow my inner voice to be louder and stronger than the negative voices from the halls of high school. 

Leading the way as an example is Gillian Mayer, the balloon hat goddess herself.  When I asked her how she got into balloon hat making, she shared with me the MOST inspiring story.  When she attended the 2006 Live and Learn conference, she walked away with those voices in her head saying, “I have absolutely nothing to offer to this conference.”

But, being an unschooler determined to allow her light to Shine and her inner voice to be heard, she walked forward with an open mind, looking for something that she could offer.  Balloons were a joyful presence at that conference, so she decided to walk in that direction.  She chose to learn how to make balloon animals, but was having trouble, and when she went to the internet for help, she was so drawn to the incredible photos that Addi Somekh, author of The Inflatable Crown Balloon Hat Kit, had on his website that she abandoned the balloon animals in favor of balloon hats. 

She wrote to me:

I ordered his book and started twisting. But I didn't begin a friendship and private conversation with him till earlier this year, maybe January, as I was planning for my Funshop and asked him if he might donate one of his gorgeous books for the raffle. Then we began a fun e-mail friendship and he ended up donating 1500 balloons, 50 pumps and 3 balloon kits to the conference, and raising Kelly a good deal of money in the silent auction and raffle. I hope to meet him one day. Anyway, the point is that all that flowed from my looking for a way to offer a Funshop at the Live and Learn Conference!

James Coburn is a well-known personality at the Live and Learn conferences, known for his wonderful Funshops that engage, challenge and delight attendees of all ages.  He recently wrote: 

When it comes to why I participate...I have found that I really enjoy sharing some of the things I am passionate about. I like sharing these things with young and old alike. I get a kick out of seeing those "light up" moments happen too. I am afraid that if I did not find a way to be "part of" I might just find myself isolating in my room.

These are ways that I have always encouraged my children to connect with other people…over shared passions.  And yet what I joyfully and unthinkingly give to my children, I forget to give to mySelf.  While it may be natural for me to engage in a conversation with a child and his/her family when I see a common bond in order to benefit and expand my child’s life, when I think about doing it for myself, it is another matter entirely.

And yet the more I walk forward toward listening to and acting upon my inner Voice, the stronger She becomes.  And the stronger She becomes, the more those negative voices from those insecure, teenage school years fade away. 

It’s all just a lovely part of my healing and growing and stretching and evolving…and it will continue to be for all of my days on this earth.

This is truly a gift of unschooling…only one of a million or so. 

It’s possible to mend our world only by finding the courage to mend ourselves.
—Dr. Sonya Friedman

Anne Ohman has been writing about the glories of unschooling for all of the years she has been witnessing it in her family’s lives, thanks to her always unschooled 17 and 13 year old boys.  She also shares her insights passionately at various unschooling conferences.  She would like to thank the Universe and TribalMama, Karen Buxcel, for serendipitous discoveries.