Always Unschooled...

On dealing with meltdowns:

When our dd was 4yrs she also had some major melt downs. Still happens now at 5yrs but much less.

Agree with Meredith about trying to establish the underlying need. Also with Christine that the trigger and the underlying cause are often completely different things (aletha solther talks about the "broken cookie" where a child is sometimes subconsciously looking for a trigger point at times).

The breakthrough for me came over a year ago now when i stopped trying to stop the meltdowns and i focused on my reaction and attitude towards them. Previously I viewed them as something wrong, something that had to be "solved", prevented and stopped. I used distraction, punishments and all sorts of things to end them... sometimes effectively.... well at least superficially.

On reflection now, it was like I thought i was being a "good" parent and my dd was "good" and things were "good" when she was happy. So when she had a meltdown the reverse kicked in...

I've changed a lot.

These days I view meltdowns as either an attempt at communication (a need not being met) or simply as a powerful method of expression (letting out and releasing tension, stress and a whole bunch of stuff). I believe that behind either is a hidden plea from my dd for greater connection.

The releasing aspect has been big with our dd. She is very "externally focused" when around other people/ children, so she is very aware of social dynamics and tuned into people around her. This has advantages in her ability to navigate social settings but I think it must also be quite exhausting for her. We have found that after times of extended social settings (eg. having people stay over for a few days etc) we can pretty much expect a major melt down.

It seems to be her method of releasing built up tension and emotions... and it works.

So now when the meltdowns come I try to have a mantra to myself of: "eye of the hurricane" repeated over and over in my head. To me that means the more turbulent the storm around me... the more I need to be calm, compassionate and loving <so yes... insert deep breath here>.

Then i try to understand dd. What is her need. Where is this coming from. But frankly even if I don't get it, which I often don't (I'm not the smartest kid on the block!)... the most important thing is to help dd feel safe, supported and loved while she expresses herself. Obviously I ensure that she does not hurt herself, me or others but even that i try to do in the most unobtrusive and non punitive way possible.

Connection as so often is key here, and now I view meltdowns as times of raw, powerful, passionate emotion... so what better windows for greater connection?

—Arun

Although my son has not yet reached the tantrum age, it's something I've thought a lot about.

I don't know that there is a "tantrum age." Neither of my kids had a "terrible two" stage, and what passes for tantrums around here are pretty mild compared to some.

My son does already have a very strong will and I am learning to respect that and do my best at working with him toward him being able to accomplish what he wants/needs. We communicate pretty well so I am hopeful our journey through that stage won't be too rocky, but what I wonder is whether raising your kid the unschooling way makes a difference?

Well, sure. For instance, we try to respond when the kids are having a rocky time by increasing their autonomy and reducing their overall frustration as much as possible, by saying "Yes" even more than usual. We don't say, "They have to learn that they can't get what they want through a tantrum!" We try to think, "Wow, if he feels that strongly about this, it must be pretty important to him." Lately, we've been saying "yes" to things like running to the store to get foods Eric wants, or, the other night, even picking up a $5 pizza even though I'd cooked a dinner he usually enjoys, because he was really in a pizza mood. We choose not to do things that will make it more likely that Eric will have a fuss. We choose "yes" as our default answer, considering whether there is a really compelling reason to say "no."

I suspect that they just go through a hard time either way because the desire to do and be has surpassed the ability to communicate,

I'm not sure I buy this argument. I had two kids who were really verbal early on, so perhaps I just missed any stage like that, but I have a friend whose son had almost no words as he approached his second birthday, but she was very tuned in to how he communicated with gestures, and with some signs, and just with his body and his facial expressions. There are a lot of ways kids communicate, and if parents are attentive--not just thinking that "communicate" means "talk,"--at least some of that "can't communicate" frustration can be ameliorated.

So I wonder if people feel that really working at being respectful and living in a consensual way made a big difference at the tantrum stage? And if it didn't, how did you cope? My sister is really interested in unschooling but at this point is doing mostly traditional parenting (naughty corner, etc.).

My neighbor has fights with her five-year-old that last an hour or more, over things like her insistence that her daughter get dressed _right_now_. To some extent, parents definitely reap what they sow! My neighbor manages to create lengthy dragged-out fights with a kid who is basically easygoing and compliant, through her own unreasonable demands. Some kids are more temperamentally inclined to strong emotions and strong emotional expression than others, but I suspect that at every point on the spectrum, what parents do can make it easier--or harder--on them and their children.

(And, of course, after the very long discussion on harnesses, fears, projecting, etc., I am feeling much more mindful of not projecting what the future might be like for me and Sam when he reaches that age--thanks for that!)

It's great to be around unschoolers for this--for not assuming that 2 will be hard and the teen years impossible.

—Su

I've found that what triggers the meltdown often doesn't have one specific underlying cause, so it's not really about the incident itself or necessarily about protein or food or whatever (though those are important triggers that I can proactively help avoid by putting protein snacks in front of him during the day). What I've observed with Sam, especially when he was younger, was that these kinds of meltdowns were most often *cumulative*, and I think Arun touched on this in his post as well.

I found that Sam's emotional self is like a cup and each stressor he faces in a day, a week, a month is like one drop in the cup. Eventually, that cup overflows and the last drop that went in was simply the last drop, nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, knowing what kinds of things constituted those drops helped tremendously toward providing an environment that had as few drops going into that cup as possible. Several years ago (and I'm guessing Christy may remember this) as I was exploring the possibility of food triggers for Sam and keeping a food journal, which was overwhelmingly negative because the whole focus was on "problem behaviors," I switched gears and decided to keep a two-sided journal instead. On one side I tried to track Sam's triggers and on the other page, I'd track all the ways he would shine--what made him happy, what made him feel whole and comfortable in his skin. Sometimes that was hard because my poor Sam spent many years just being uncomfortable in his own skin! I laughed over at the ShinewithUnschooling list that my journal sounded like a couple of horses--Trigger and Shine.

What came out of that journal experience for me, and by extension for Sam, was an ability to avoid the triggers, but most importantly, it provided a whole host of coping strategies that worked for Sam. So as he's gotten older, we've been able to focus and draw upon the kinds of things that help calm and recenter him, allowing him to let just a few drops out of that cup instead of the whole cup emptying out as a deluge. That's not to say we don't still have deluge moments--because we do--but those moments are now more of the exception than the norm, and we've become very adept at partnering through those moments to arrive at a place of calm and connection.

—Danielle

On Santa, the Tooth Fairy and Magic:

I have never lied to my dd about Santa. When she has read or seen stories about Elves at the North Pole and asked me if it were true, I have said that those details aren't true, but are one person's idea of adding to the spirit and magic of giving, of Christmas, and of Santa.

But at the same time Santa has given her gifts every year since she was 2. It wasn't my idea, btw. Back then I was imagining that we would *never* do Santa just like we would *never* have a Barbie in the house (bwg). But, when my dd saw the guitar under the Christmas tree she was certain that Santa had left it. I couldn't imagine where she'd heard of the Santa myth, but it didn't feel right to tell her she was wrong. It would have been like correcting her when she left out the 16 while counting.

Since then I have come to celebrate more magic in my own life, largely thanks to my daughter. I guess you could say that I have unschooled Santa, because it's no longer an either/or belief for me... it's both. Yes, Santa is a fictional character, and Yes Santa is real!!

So this year we continue to celebrate the magic and joy of Santa. We just watched Santa Clause 3, and I loved it and could really feel and see how the magic transformed Tim Allen. I honestly told her when she asked that I believe in the magic of Santa in our hearts.

When she asked me earlier this year who left her the presents I told her, but not with the belief or the energy that it had been a lie. It was with the celebration and the joy of contributing to and participating in the magic and the love. She gets it, because it's like everything else I try to embrace with our unschooling lives. It's about YES, embracing the transformation of either/or into both. And, she's asked Santa for another present this year.

I guess the bottom line is about whether you believe or not... if you do, then it's not a lie... it's a celebration of YES.

Mahalo,

—Barbara

It's helpful for me to try to see the magic as something more than escapism, but I do not want to feel like I'm perpetrating a giant scam on my children, kwim?

But you aren't. If you aren't telling them for a fact that these things exist you aren't scamming them. Truly these things could exist. Do you believe they could? That is what I tell Logan. That I believe they do exist. I don't have proof and many people don't believe. I'm not scamming him on anything. He knows they may not be real, but they may. I don't know for sure, no one knows for sure.

I don't think believing in the magic is anymore escapism than meditation or long walks in the woods. It is just another way to get in touch with the beauty and magic of life.

Em is absolutely enthralled by _Dragonology_, which I think is a brand new edition that goes much deeper into creating the reality of dragons. It's presented as a field log, complete with notes, dragon scales and dragon dust.

We love that book! I told Logan it was written like someone was studying dragons a long time ago and this was what his journal might be like. We don't know that there wasn't someone in the field studying dragons. If we are willing to believe that dragons may have existed than surely it follows that someone was out there studying them.

There is a way to keep the magic alive without lying to our kids. But you have to decide if you are willing to believe that it is possible dragons are/were real. If there is no way you can believe in the possibility than it would probably be better to just let your daughter explore it on her own. But if you can even a little bit believe that at one point in time it may have been possible than that is how you go about explaining and exploring it.

—Christy

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