Connections ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting

—Vanessa

Along with this subject I decided that life was too short. I decided I did not care if my daughter ever learned another thing in her life. Her happiness and her well being were more important than anything. Her going through the pure torture of public school just so she could be so called educated just was not worth it. Bringing her home, loving her, playing with her, cuddling with her, talking to her, etc. is SOOOOO much more important than whether she knows what 6 X 6 is. These are all important with my other daughter also, but my 8 year old was so damaged and she definately needs the healing. I have family members who think it's ok for children to be teased at school and that it toughens them up. Sorry, it's not o.k. and it was not o.k. to leave my child in that situation. My daughters were adopted out of the foster care system and their lives prior to coming to my husband and I were more hell than anyone should have to endure in a lifetime. So ps just became more hell for them. It's definately time for them to heal. And seeing the smiles on their faces, and getting the best hugs from them is proof I'm doing the right thing.

—Kelly W.

This is for all the newbies & all the people who have reached their dream & in turn are helping us realize our dream. We've come along way baby.

When I came to this list (and another local list) over a year ago, boy was I stuck. I was stuck in my way of thinking but also determined enough to change our lives for the better. I was the picture of "school at home." We had schedules, grades, you name it we did it. Slowly I began to go "eclectic." Not much different—same tears—mine & theirs. Then came this unconventional idea UNSCHOOLING!

At that point our lives began to change. We deschooled big time. Actually I think some of us are still deschooling (me especially). When you're done you'll know it; for some it's really quick, and for others it may take years.

Control was a big issue in our family. For example food! My mom was a member of the clean your plate club. The membership was passed down to me (my butt can attest to that). Over a year ago we would have had rules about the amount of Halloween candy they could eat all at once. We let go of that, and although at first they ate "junk food" like crazy, last night we had a huge bowl of candy & other goodies we had made, and they didn't even hardly touch it. They ate very little today. They now realize it will be there when they want it, & if they want a piece or a bowlful—it's okay ! We also have moved past the "junk food" label, and kids can make great choices in what they eat. It may not be the same thing their dad or I eat, but they definitely do not sit around eating nothing but candy either. Trust—what a concept!

My dh is very understanding. He does support us. He still has his doubts at times, but he only voices them to me now. This is a major step for him, but it took over a year for this to happen.

For all the people out here wondering if their kids will "ever do anything." They do! When they are ready. Even when you are deschooling, they are still learning & doing something. My ds (13—who has some developmental delays) hadn't really picked up a pen for almost a year is now in the process of writing a story about squirrels. He is doing research on the computer and writing rough drafts for me to read. He wants to make sure his spelling is right before he writes it in the journal he picked out.

It is so amazing to see him doing something like this. Public school & I squashed his love of learning in the beginning. Now he loves doing this because it's what he is interested in, not what I or the school pushed on him.

And he is not the only one; my dd (10) has a dozen stories she's working on. She is very creative & I now see that side of her, didn't before as we were so worried about keeping up with the other kids—not just public school either. Some homeschool kids & parents can get pretty aggressively competitive.

My 15 yr ds took guitar lessons when he was about 7 and hated it. Of course at the time, I said the old "you wanted to do this for music, you have to finish the year." Did he learn to play the guitar? Duh, no! What does he do every night now? He's teaching himself to play the guitar! I'm off Thursday to buy him a new one!

As for the younger kids—don't worry. Our youngest is 7. He has never been made to do anything "schoolish." No he is not an avid reader, but he picks stuff up from us reading to him, using the computer & video games. There are days he pulls out a workbook that's in the closet & does tons of pages, but only because he wants to. There are weeks that go by that he doesn't want to do anything like that and it's okay. There are days I spend hours spelling things for him, as he wants to make a list of things.

Our two youngest have never been to public school, and their perceptions of learning are so different than the rest of the family. Learning is something they just DO. They don't separate it from life.

I am learning to do this. But after 15 years of schooling it's taking me a bit to get my stuff together. I just last week discovered I love jazz & blues music. The kids and I went to the music store & bought all kinds of different music. It was great. Why did it take me so long? I couldn't let go of the path I had been on for so long. I was stuck with my wheels just spinning.

Thanks for all the advice. Thanks for making me question myself again & again. Thanks for not "babying" me when that's what I wanted but not what I needed. And most of all thanks for all the patience!

So have faith in yourself & your children! Life is amazing when you let it be.

—Carol

On preparing kids for the real world...

How do I prepare him for the reality of most people's working-life: 8 - 5 stuck at a desk, working on someone else's schedule?

I think that's your sticking point. You see that as reality when it isn't.

While most families won't have the ability to not have at least one person doing some kind of work that brings in money, not all those people working are at a desk, let alone "stuck." In fact most of the people you meet during the day in the middle of the week are not even at a desk!

And look at that phrase: "Work for a living." Wouldn't it be better to "Live for a living"? I suspect you've got tunnel vision about working since you've grown up with focus on making money, so what you do to get that money becomes a big gray dull box. In many ways it's like school. When the focus is on getting a diploma, the path getting there is tedious and dull and annoying. The goal is to do as little as possible to get to the end.

If you've been so focused on the end goal of work as making money, then work becomes something tedious and dull and to do as little of as possible to get the paycheck. And then, rather than self- fulfillment, people tend to focus on what they can buy with what they've worked so hard to get. And ultimately it isn't all that satisfying.

But if, like with unschooling, the focus shifts to finding what you enjoy, finding what makes you bounce out of bed in the morning, then the money will follow. And even if the money isn't corporate executive huge, it will be a lot more fun working for it and it will be easier to put up with less outside of work because the work will be fulfilling.

Your homework for the weekend is to go out and visit people who are working at nondesk jobs and ask about them. Look at all the people working in museums, retail stores, restaurants, grocery stores, stables, dog groomers, road crews, landscapers, electricians, photographers, plumbers, auctioneers, sports directors, coaches, personal trainers, florists, bakers, house painters, occupational therapists, dental hygenists, animal control officers, hair dressers ... And then there are part-time-at-desk jobs: reporters (but maybe with laptops the desk may not figure all that often), professors, wedding planners, ministers, field biologists ... But even full-time-desk jobs are not all drone jobs: software engineers, graphic designers, technical writers, computer technicians, video game designers, president ...

And that's hardly even touching on the arts or entertainment which make some people nervous as far as stability.

Here's a link to Non-traditional Jobs for Women:
Factsheets

How much faith do you put in unschooling as "the right thing to do for the individual character" and how much is practical?

Oh, no, I expect my daughter will still be living at home when she's 30 with a part time job as greeter at Wal-Mart. I just think childhood should be about having fun and hang the future. ;-)

—Joyce

Why does he need to be prepared for someone else's life?

He will meet all kinds of people, and the ones who are "stuck" will seem like sad, stuck people to him. The ones who are alive and vibrant and who know they can do what they love will be the people who inspire him.

You can't prepare him for much, honestly. You don't know what he'll need in thirty years. But if you help him live the kind of life he wants to today, he'll be prepared to live the kind of life he wants in the future.

You can derail him though. You can make life seem like it sucks, and he'd better get used to it, and chances are then, his life will suck.

How much faith do you put in unschooling as "the right thing to do for the individual character" and how much is practical?

For me, faith doesn't enter into it at all.

When you think about how babies learn, they learn by doing. No one explains to a little baby how to pay attention to, or look for momma. Babies experience having their needs met and then naturally look to the one who has met them before to meet them again. No one explains how to start talking. Babies watch and listen to other people and experiment with making noise and then with saying words until they're talking. No one explains to them how to start walking. They become interested in standing and walking, and we give them lots of opportunities to do that.

You have been trained to think that learning itself is a thing that is not natural to humans and must be put there by teachers. But humans naturally learn and naturally want to do what other humans are doing. There's evidence all around you in all the kids who aren't in preschool, who are walking and talking and playing and dressing themselves and feeding themselves. In the kids of people like me who aren't in school at all and never have been, who are pursuing interests and experimenting with ideas, and in adults who are taking up new hobbies or traveling for fun, or making art, even though they're no longer in school.

You don't have to have faith at all. You just have to think.

—Deb L.

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