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Mindfulness Matters
by
Ren Allen
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I've
felt a bit loose at the edges lately. You know, one of those weeks
where nothing seems to fit and words get interpreted differently than
you meant?
One of those weeks where no matter how hard you try, something has been
forgotten or not finished or come out wrong. There are moments like
this, and sometimes because there are so many moments, it seems to
become the theme of your day or week.
Staying in the moment always helps, but sometimes the moment is so
intense or comes on the heels of so many other moments, that I
just end up feeling frazzled.
These are the days that mindfulness matters even more. These are the
days where we learn what true mindfulness means at the very core of our
being. These are the days that sometimes we forget about our
mindfulness practice and learn that trying too hard and doing too much
isn't being mindful either. I'm relearning this tonight.
There has been a recurring theme throughout discussions online and in
person this last year about how freedom without mindfulness is a recipe
for disaster. I believe this fully. Children left to their own devices
have a lot of freedom, but they don't have the mindful, guiding and
loving presence
of an adult that wants to help them navigate this world with its huge
variety of challenges. Too much freedom without the aware adult leads
to disaster every time.
Those of us on this path of whole-life learning and gentle parenting
want
our children to have the benefit of parents who are living life fully,
who are awake and aware. We are also the children. We are all the ages
we once were. We need to parent ourselves gently and mindfully too.
I've written about our self-talk frequently, but it's good to remind
myself not only to speak
kindly to ME, but to give myself some space in which to breathe.
Space can be a five minute meditation; it can be a walk or writing or
drawing. Space to breathe freely of our dreams, to look at what we have
done, rather than what isn't done, and to give ourselves a hug.
Space to sip tea, to look at the amazing gifts of the children alive
and well in our presence, to thank the universe for our wealth (we are
all wealthy) and to realize how fragile and amazing this day is.
Some mornings I sit and stare at the trees in my yard while breathing
in the day. They are often my meditation. They change so much from
season to season, and I love
feeling the pulse of those changes. They are almost stripped naked
right now, poking bare fingers at a bleak skyline. They are stripped of
all obvious life, yet they live. Cells of life are behaving just as
tree cells should, storing energy for the cold nights ahead. In the
spring they will return with their haughty array of color, proving the
life that flows this very moment. They remind me that there are seasons
to life, not only for trees but for the creatures that share this
planet with them. They remind me to go within, to strip away, to cloak
myself in beauty and to trust the pulse of my own rhythm.
Connecting with places or things that help us go within is part of this
parenting journey. When we are in touch with our own rhythm, with that
river of ideas, thoughts and energy that flows throughout the universe,
we feel whole and centered. Even amidst the chaos, we can be connected
with that flow. It doesn't mean we don't
feel despair at the thought of yet ANOTHER _____ mess (fill in the
blank, poop, barf, food, dog, ...get creative!) or sigh at the mountain
of laundry awaiting our hands. Mindfulness practice isn't about
blocking or ignoring those feelings, it's exactly the opposite! Being
truly aware means to NOTICE if nothing else. Noticing or paying
attention to our own feelings and the thoughts surrounding our
reactions actually furthers our mindfulness practice.
Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about it in Wherever You Go, There You Are,
a book I love dearly. His feelings upon encountering a cat dish in the
sink are interesting. Rather than reacting to his initial angst, he
simply notices the feelings. In paying attention to the feelings, he
finds that it's not the cat dish that's bothering him after all; it's
the feeling of being ignored, disrespected and uncared for that
triggers his initial emotional response. In the end, the reaction isn't
based on the initial feeling. That "noticing" is an extremely helpful
tool as we deepen our relationship with mindfulness.
I find myself speaking words that aren't mindful at times. That's the
tough part. But the great thing about this is that I can often halt
myself midstream and say "wow, that wasn't very helpful!" while the
kids are looking at me strangely. I apologize, try a different angle
and attempt to move gracefully forward. Part of this journey has been
to discover how I can fall, bruise myself and move forward without
getting hung up. An ample dose of self-forgiveness is a healthy thing
to model for my children while also letting them know I'm still
learning and growing as a parent. When something goes awry, I can ask
myself, "what am I supposed to learn from this?"
I believe most of the ways we practice mindfulness are in the mundane,
everyday tasks, in the way we think, the way we see and the way we act
or react. Being aware is to live fully. I often use death as my litmus
test for what is important. This helps me keep perspective on what this
moment brings and how well I navigate.
Some of our mindfulness practice is about being proactive. Rituals can
be a grounding, centering way to connect with each other and this
earth. Rituals are a way to proactively seek these connections while
honoring our family and personal needs. Creating rituals that are
uniquely our own can bring a sense of of warmth and balance to our
daily lives.
In How to Bury
a Goldfish there are several interesting and
easy-to-recreate rituals that get right to the heart of day-to-day
life. I especially love the "blessing hunting" that is all about
cultivating gratitude. The authors, Lang
and Nayer, suggest having a list of "awesome things" to read for
inspiration (everyone could create their own) and writing down five
wonderful things about your life each day. I know of one unschooling
family who focuses on the positive by having a "gratitude wall" in
their house where each family member can write positive things about
their lives or each other.
Choosing what aspects of our lives we will focus on is a huge part of
mindfulness practice. Just realizing that I could choose my
responses, choose how I felt was incredibly empowering as I journeyed
forward into unschooling and gentle parenting.
Ritual can be as simple as nightly stories. It can be an elaborate
breakfast for a birthday child or family stories being passed on. It
can be morning exercise or a monthly celebration of the full moon. WHAT
it is matters very little. How we embrace life's seasons and changes,
how we honor these changes with ritual and awareness matters greatly.
An unschooling lifestyle enables us to create truly meaningful rituals
born of family connections and interests.
I had a good reminder of ritual creation recently. Our family hosted a
Day
of the Dead party, an evening full of food, laughter and sticky
fingers. One highlight of the
evening was a circle ritual. This particular ritual was about honoring
a young child that
had died earlier this year; Hannah Jenner is never far from my
thoughts.
We placed a scoop of dirt from around her weeping willow tree (planted
earlier in the season for Hannah) into an envelope and mixed in a small
portion of her ashes. As a fire burned behind us, we passed the
envelope from person to person, each of us recounting what Hannah meant
to us in life or death. As each person threw his or her
handful onto the ground, we felt a wonderful connection and sharing, a
hauntingly beautiful remembrance of life and the gift we have today.
Part of my journey on this path of gentle parenting is to remember that
my children are here with me, healthy, learning and growing.
Acknowledging what I DO have helps me navigate the areas where I feel a
sense of lack because the only lack is within, and it's all perception.
I have everything I need today to help my children learn. I have
everything I need to be respectful and aware. I only need touch that
river flowing, remember the fragility and grandness of this day in
order to stay centered and balanced. When I forget
these things in lesser moments, my children will bring me back to
abundance
if I continue to trust their unique brand of wisdom.
As I look at the child right before my eyes, as I fully align myself
with her needs in this very moment, as I let go of what others think
and what "should" be, I find myself acting mindfully. It sounds so
simple, and it is. Yet most of us have had to learn how to be fully
present in the moment, how truly to listen to our children and
tune into what they need because we didn't have a model for this. All
we need to do is listen and pay attention. Mindfulness really is that
simple.
The children right in front of us are all that matters. The fascination
or interest they are showing us is all that matters. What schooled kids
are doing today is irrelevant. What the "experts" say is irrelevant. We
have our own expert with us everyday, showing the way to natural
learning and mindful parenting. If they're digging in the dirt, then
digging in the dirt is exactly what they need right now. We can enjoy
the activity
with them, noticing the dirt, feeling it, smelling it and remembering
how it feels to be fascinated and capture this moment forever.
If they're watching tv, we can find out what makes
them laugh, we can BE there absorbing the joy of discovery. If they are
screaming in frustration, we can be there with them in that moment and
trust that navigating the difficult moments is equally valuable. It's
all part of their learning.
Being present with my child is the greatest connection of all. Being
fully present in each moment of our lives is the best way to live fully
and embrace the life we've been given. Parenting itself offers all of
us a journey to mindfulness.
Ren
Allen
has been homeschooling
since 1996 and an active supporter of unschooling both online and in
her local community since 2000. She assists those newer to unschooling
through an online discussion group and speaking publicly whenever
possible. Passions include helping people explore their unique
creativity through art classes, makeup artistry and creativity
workshops. She also enjoys art, writing, travel, herbal medicine,
gardening and eating truffles with a good cup of darjeeling. You can
find Ren at ImaginationTribe
or unschoolingbasics,
at her
website learninginfreedom.com
or by emailing her at
starsuncloud@comcast.net
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