Connections ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting

—Jane

. . . again, I don´t “present” the topic of caged chicken, but I meant like if we´re shopping and I say we need eggs, so we go to the aisle where the eggs are, and there aren´t anymore organic eggs, only the “caged” ones, and she will then maybe ask why we´re not taking any eggs afterall, and THEN I´ll answer that it´s because so and so.

Yes! This is where that subtle difference lies, I think!

If the kid was asking for eggs and we came upon the caged eggs, and I say “no” and/or give a spiel about horrible chicken living conditions, then that’s about top-down and control. Even if I say “yes” and give the spiel, that’s still not very palatable for the kid. I’d rather say, “Sure, we can buy those eggs, but can I tell you why I’d rather we get the organic ones instead?” and move from there to give an overview of different farm practices and which I prefer, etc.

Same with the Baby Alive doll my kid wants. If he’s asking for a doll and we come across the Baby Alive one, I might do something similar—explain that there are different materials used to make things and/or different kinds of places where toys are made—all in rather general terms. And not press it from there.

But, because he is specifically asking for the Baby Alive doll, I’m not going to say a word about any of it. How can that do anything but sour his desire for something he’s genuinely curious about? How is explaining sweatshops going to increase his world without dampening his joy?

Eventually, sweatshops are going to come up. And when they do, we might even be able to use the Baby Alive doll as an example of something that was made in one. But, until then, I’m not going to saddle him with that knowledge while it’s directly tied to something he wants.

He doesn’t “have to” know about any of it. Ever. I’d like him to, and I imagine he will. But, honestly, there are plenty of adults out there who don’t give a darn about the environment or fair trade or waste. Many of them are running the show here in the U.S. Many people are completely clueless. We watched a thing on 60 Minutes last night about sending old ships to Bangladesh to get ripped apart—toxins spilling into the water and onto the beach. Lots of people don’t care about that. Lots of people think that’s just good business not muddied up by crazy environmentalists and their silly regulations.

Why do we need to hold our kids to some higher standard that says they “should” know about it? It would be nice and all, but its definitely not “have to.”

—Betsy

So I guess I'm wondering, what is the difference between asking our ds to not hurt the cat, not shove his playmate, not pound on the neighbor's ceiling vs asking him to not purchase a toy that hurts a child in China? HA! Obviously, it would not be worded to ds like that! But, if I can tell him hitting hurts, why can't I tell him (in an appropriate way) that caged chickens do too?

I have a few thoughts about this. I have not chosen to be the one to introduce my children to global issues like global warming, destruction of habitat, and things like that, because they are so abstract, and because it seemed to me that it might raise their anxiety level without giving them anything concrete to do about it—I even once saw a study that found that kids who were introduced to environmental issues very young felt tremendously anxious but also helpless to do anything about the problem. Heck, there are even studies that show that for adults seeing too much news about terrible things far away has the same effect—anxiety, discouragement, a sense of inefficacy.

I have chosen to introduce environmental issues that are local and concrete—we recycle, for instance, including things that aren't included in our curb-side pickup program. It's concrete, it's easy to say, "When we recycle, these boxes and cans and newspapers can be used again for something else, instead of ending up in the landfill—and that means that other metal and wood doesn't need to be used up." I'd say that although your consideration of the downstairs neighbors seems abstract, nonetheless your son lives in the building, he knows what a neighbor is. He certainly can see—and feel—the cat right in front of him. So that's an important difference, in my mind.

Another is that I try not to be too sure with my kids about things I might be wrong about. The effects of globalization on local economies is one of those things. I've seen all the stuff about "sweatshops," I've also read eye-witness reports and interviews with factory workers in China, I've read economics books about the process of development, I've read Jagdish Bhagwati's very dense book In Defense of Globalisation—and as a result, I cannot state as a fact that "buying that toy hurts a child in China." I'm not sure it does. I'm not unconcerned, but I'm not sure enough to tell my kid something as if it is a fact when it is not a fact—when reasonable people (and people who are much more knowledgeable than me) can disagree about whether a child in China is being hurt by my purchase—when even Chinese people aren't sure about that. When I see my kid pulling the cat's tail, I am 100% confident in saying, "What you are doing can hurt the cat."

And just as I wouldn't then allow him to hit the cat when he has listened what to my reason and respectfully disagreed why would I go ahead and buy him beef (er, eggs/hen to keep with the scenario) that was harmed much more than my pampered tabby?

The other piece is that one egg is pretty much like another egg to my kids. I have sometimes not bought eggs if there were no organic free-range eggs available—I say, "We'll have to try the other store." But it's hard to imagine my kids getting fussy in the dairy aisle—"No, I want that carton of eggs! The one from the factory farm!" (though they have sometimes wanted non-organic milk because of the pictures on the carton). Recently a friend who raises all of her own family's meat gave us a freshly-butchered turkey, and Eric was interested in that—how did they kill it, stuff like that. In the course of that conversation, I told Eric that, unlike some friends of ours, I do not have any moral objection to eating meat, but that how animals are treated while they're alive, and how humanely they're killed, does matter to me. I said, "You may feel differently when you've had a chance to think about it, and that's OK."

I was going to say, they may not care about one egg versus another egg but which toy they get does matter to them. If it were important to me not to buy plastic, as it is to some parents, I can imagine that there would be many times when the kids and I could find a common preference—you want that toy plane? What if we found a toy plane made out of wood?—and many other times when we could not. Since I try to think of the family's money as also belonging to the children, I would respect their choices.

—Su

—Meredith

While many folks are quick to tally all the horrible stereotypes perpetuated by tv, the flip side of that coin is all the learning opportunities it's created through discussion of these stereotypes and our responses to the different scenarios we've encountered on tv. We've had some really deep philosophical discussions that television and other media have sparked.

This is so true, in my experience, as well!

I recently joked to another mother that Sam had asked about the Salem Witch Trials (after seeing a very funny episode of Fairly Odd Parents—which needed some explanation of the real Salem Witch Trials to get all the jokes), and sort of said, "So, how do you explain THAT? Ha, ha, ha."

And her response was, "Yep. That's why we don't have TV."

Dude.

Things like slavery and witches being burned at the stake and racism and homophobia are all part of our culture. They're not the best parts, or maybe even good parts, but they are a part of it. And to know about it is to understand a TON more things that are going on right now. Context and connections are HUGE. Just because it's hard to explain or it's ugly or unpleasant doesn't mean it's not useful or important to know.

I'm glad the Fairly Odd Parents brought up the Salem Witch Trials! It's a great jumping off point.

We got another one with Baby Looney Tunes and the Mona Lisa, the other day. Now, Sam is seeing Mona Lisa references all over the place. We didn't have to go to France, we didn't even have to take an Art Class-—just watched some mindless, brain rotting TV .

—Betsy