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Consensual-living... |
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On critical shifts toward
consensual-living:
For me I have found that when I was using a good/bad matrix that I
would get stuck. A situation was "bad" and I would be paralyzed by
it. Now I try really hard to look at each situation as an opportunity
and it really has increased my joy. I don't know if that would be the
case for everyone but the judgments really weighed me down and closed
me off to relationships and new ideas. I think that might
specifically be for the good/bad type judgments though. I think those
terms are limiting. I do think about things in terms of usefulness to
me, does it work? or do I want to spend my energy there? those kinds
of personal queries and "judgments" have been helpful to me. It seems
like semantics and maybe it is, but it has made a big difference in my
life.
—anonymous
Living in the moment makes living consensually easier. Sometimes we
can do that with the schedule, sometimes I can do it with my own
attitude. Sometimes, I feel the pressure of other's needs
for a solution right now. Sometimes I feel the
pressure of me for
a solution right now. Learning to pause and reflect
and make
conscious choices instead of reacting is hard sometimes. We could
skip tommorrow's playdate/plan, we could wait until the friends are
gone and then he'd want to leave, but I wanted us to leave now!
But, I am learning all the time to have patience in the moment, and
patience with myself when I don't. And learn from both.
—anonymous
I think
this is the critical shift. I have a core belief that
adversarial relationships don't work. I also want to spend my energy
on positive exchanges because I believe where you put your energy is
what grows. Both of these beliefs have heavily influenced my
parenting path and led me to consensual living. It all takes energy,
do I want it to be the negative energy of "fighting" or the positive
energy of connection and agreeable solutions for all?
—anonymous
If she is fighting, then there is something she is fighting... My
thought
is that a person can't push against something if it isn't there. Like
pushing against the air doesn't look or feal like fighting. So I
wonder if she is pushing against you, or perhaps something else within
herself. If
it's you, then you could make some changes. If it's something within
herself, then the best that I think you can do is honor and support her
process, and not try to make it
any different than what it is.
That's not at all the same thing as sit back and watch. You might find
some ways to help her with her process... but it's more about finding a
balance with "not going to bed" than it is about the outcome of "going
to bed." If it becomes OK that she doesn't go to bed—then the
energy
can
shift more to the process and whatever it is inside of herself rather
than
having it look a certain way just because...
On
product oriented parenting:
I found this such an interesting phrase. I think the idea of making
parenting decisions based upon the outcome one desires and/or the
kind of person one wants to shape the child to be is such a HUGE
part of our culture.
In many ways, I feel like moving away from that has been the most
radical and relevant step for me.
I remember reading Unconditional Parenting (great
book, BTW) for
the first time, and Kohn talks about what our goals are for our
children, and who we want them to be and all of that.
It didn't strike me at the time, but as I learned more about
consentual parenting and radical unschooling, I started to question
whether it was appropriate to have goals for
another human being—to impose our agenda on who they should
be, and then go about trying
to mold them into it, know what I mean?
Then I read a passage in Naomi Aldort's book where she explains that
our job is not to turn a child into an adult...our job is to
appreciate the child for who is is at each stage of
his growth and
learning.
—anonymous
I so wish to homeschool my son—my husband had
consistently said "no way" and I really wanted to "discuss" the issue
with him. The long and the short of it—my idea of
"discussion" was
convincing him that I am right. It took me so long to see this and
goes back to the point that someone was making on a different
thread—I am
not used to the idea of win-win solutions (and neither is my husband).
I would try to approach your issues with your husband with no agenda.
State your needs and your feelings and listen to
his—brainstorm and
wait for solutions (they do not always appear the first time you
discuss an issue). I know for me that one of my needs is for my
husband to become more knowledgable about our choices for caring for
our son- he is now willing to do this, as he is beginning to see that
I am truly willing to listen to him and come to a win-win solution.
What I am trying to say is that addressing your communication issues
with your husband and any other marital stuff (jealousy, sex, time
together) will all make everything flow more easily.
And Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh is a
fabulous book!
—anonymous
Still I am not sure where you are getting that the parent's needs are
not important
or that the child's needs always take precedence. I think there are
solutions
that are mutually agreed upon by all parties involved that meet the
needs of everyone.
I don't see that it is an either or situation: Either the child gets
what he
wants or the parent gets what he wants. I think the options are
limitless, even
in large families. I know several large
Families with 4-6 and even one with 7 children of all ages including
infants to teens and I see it working every day. Some days are better
than others no matter
what size family. But in real life I have seen it work in all size
families.
I think it is a group effort. I think it involves all people in the
situation. Not one or the other.
—anonymous
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