Connections ezine of unschooling and mindful parenting

—linda

I still learn things from video games. My son has increased his reading skill (and speed) with a lot of credit going to video games. What can one learn from video games? History, math, fine motor skills, problem solving, reading, language skills, science, art, geography, mythology, government, music—actually, it might be an shorter list to name what "can't" be learned from video games.

There are people here who have really helped me in my realization (and my changing ways, too, soon... I hope) of how our society has really instilled negativity in most, if not all, facets of our daily lives. It took me quite some time to quit seeing certain foods as "junk" and more as joyous freedom and things like that.

Another example would be: looking at a kid playing a video game and automatic thoughts coming to mind like, "They're not learning anything," or "What a waste of time," or "Why can't they do something productive?" It takes an adjustment in thinking to reverse that negativity into "Wow, I didn't realize this game needed so much math to play!" or "Wow! He solved that problem faster than I did!" or even "Gosh, he is enjoying himself so much! I wonder if we could play together..."

Sit and watch with an open mind—or better yet, sit and watch and concentrate on finding learning in the games your son plays. You will be pleasantly surprised, I think.

Honestly, playing video games is not only learning, it is LOTS of learning. AND fun—and isn't that what unschooling is all about? Enjoying life and learning as we go is just the icing on the cake.

—De

I just didn't know if we were supposed to read a book, take care of the dogs, mop the floor...but, now I can't get him to leave the game...do I become "super nanny" and make him, because those were things we needed to do today?

Maybe it just isn't deprogramming from school we need...deprogramming from being "society's picture of a parent."

Yes, we do. Not only do we need to lose the school side of things but also the "this is the way parenting is supposed to be—all the experts say so" kind of thing.

Take things that pop into your mind like "supposed to" read a book, walk the dog, mop the moose...whatever and see where that "supposed to" is coming from.

Is it an actual appointment someone has made with someone else for something? Is it something you want to get done today? Is it something he wants to get done today? and so on.

Who is the "we" in the "we needed to do today"? You? him? both of you (a real we)? Mopping the floor is not likely something on his agenda for the day (but it could be). So it falls off the "things we needed to do today" and becomes a "thing I want to do today."

Both the "supposed to" and "need to" deserve evaluation whenever they pop up. Do you "need to" do it today? Could it get done tomorrow? Later this week? Later in the day today? Probably.

—Deb

—Meredith

This morning we're playing outside then he starts to climb the fence and before I realized it was possible he was on the roof.

Tah-dah! One I can really relate to!

My older boy, freeclimbed onto the roof for the first time when he was 3.5. Spidered up the downspout, off the window frame, onto the gutter, tah-dah.

I first was aware he was up there when a teeny voice from on-high shouted "Mama, come look at me!"

The pride in that voice. Wow. He really had done something. I know adults who would kill for that kind of strength and grace.

I took a ton of deep, calming breaths, said "Wow, that's really amazing. Can you show me how you get down too?"

Which he promptly did, in the same spider-monkey fashion. Grinning like a lunatic.

Big hugs, big kisses, the same sort of relief-based enthusiasm that most parents put out, organically, whenever their kid has done something Really Cool (tm).

Now here's the leap of faith. "Show me that again!"

And up he went. And back down. And up. And down. He's got the grace and coordination to handle it, and it would be criminal for me to throttle that with my (not-based-in-reality) fear. He's proven that this is well within his comfort range. So it's my pawlicking that's the problem.

We took him to a local climbing gym, and he was completely uninterested. Apparently, it's freeclimb or nothing for him. Which is cool. It's cheaper that way.

The book The Continuum Concept talks a bit about how if a child can get themselves into a situation, they most likely can get themselves back out, provided the parent doesn't interfere, or throw a bunch of fear into the situation. It's an interesting read, and an interesting philosophy.

—Laureen

The other thing is how do you "work with" in situations like—deliberately spilling drinks on the sofa, dropping toys from a height onto his siblings head—and when I say something he says "Sorry, I didn't mean to (when he obviously did!). I won't do it again" (When you know he will) I have never asked him to say sorry as I think this is not useful if there is no feeling behind it, so I am not sure where he has got it from.

There is so much packed into this one post. Lots of different possibilities and issues. I'm going to offer several questions that are meant as tools to help you explore the possibilities—they are not meant as an inquisition! I'd also second the recommendation to read Naomi Aldort's book, which has some really useful "how tos."

The one thing I can think of that will help in a blanket sort of way is to remind yourself that he's still really young and that part of your job as his mom is to help him be the best Self he can be with the tools he has available and to help him find new tools that work for him.

Help him live in an environment that works for him being his best Self. Help him be in a place where he doesn't have impulses that result in having to say sorry if he follows them, whether you've forced it or not.

Why does he have drinks that he can deliberately spill on the sofa? Why does he want to spill them on the sofa? What's interesting about it? How can you help him fulfill that need in a different way?

"Deliberate" doesn't have to be a negative word, though too often parents attribute a negative connotation to it, as if a child is not only performing a deliberate act but "deliberately" doing it to upset the parent.

Kids need to explore their world—they are programmed to explore it, and that programming is the foundation of unschooling! Our job as their parents is to help them explore it in ways that are safe and healthy. If we have specific needs about that exploration, then it's our job to meet those needs without expecting our young children to meet them for us.

Think about where you are at the challenging moments. Try to figure out what's triggering the impulse issues, which is what seems to unite the different examples you gave, and keep in mind that three year olds are pretty much sheer impulse. Use current problems to help solve future problems. Maybe you can't think of a solution right now, but you can learn from the situation how to prevent it next time.

Eliminate triggers.

Change the environment.

Be present.

Anticipate and redirect.

Those are probably my four biggest "how-tos."

Oh, yeah, and don't engage the child's energy—don't be swept away with it and begin mirroring it back. That's a really big one, too. Don't horn-lock your energy with his because you can't help him if you're his adversary.

—Danielle

To join the AlwaysUnscholed list send mail to AlwaysUnschooled-subscribe@yahoogroups.com