Unschooling Discussion...

On unschooly parenting:

What IS the problem, is that I don't know what to replace Traditional Methods with. I wanted some suggestions.

Actually people are giving you suggestions! They are showing you how the principles of mindful parenting look when put in action.

Conventional parenting focuses on what children are doing. So you're expecting answers in the vein "When children do x, then do y."

Mindful parenting looks for the why and then often the answer is "I wasn't mindful enough. I needed to be there before it got to this point."

Distraction is a good thing when they're headed in a melt down direction.

Being mindful so their needs can be met before they get to melt down is even better.

Avoiding situations that they've shown you that they aren't ready to handle yet is really really helpful to them and to you.

Tantrums aren't ordinary. They're "MY GOD WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!!" They are the breaking point.

Though, if a child has learned with time that their more subtle signals are useless and tantrums get attention, then tantrums can become their first line of communication. And some kids are more easily frustrated by their inability to communicate and their powerlessness that tantrums are more common.

Life is frustrating. Being mindful won't prevent kids from getting frustrated but it will be a huge step in the right direction. Seeing the world from kids' point of view will help you understand why they are reacting to the world as they are. Treat your kids as though they're doing the best they can with the knowledge and skills and understanding of the world they have.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Conventional parenting focuses on what children are doing. So you're expecting answers in the vein "When children do x, then do y."

I've been slowly reading Parent/Teen Breakthrough, and mulling over the concepts presented there.

I've been a non-punishing parent for many years, but I'm just finally getting how toxic it is for a parent (me) to be even quietly critical. (I've always been aware of the importance of fighting fair and not calling names.) I know being "judgmental" is a bad idea, but without intervention my brain is a big old factory of judgment all the time. (Mostly directed at myself.)

I don't like to be on the receiving end of criticism, even little bits of it, from my mom because the message that I get with the criticism is "You think I am imperfect." In my home, I need to avoid sending that message, ("I think you are imperfect"), to my husband and son. While I'm probably never going to fully believe that either of my guys is literally perfect, I can and will concentrate on finding them "fabulous" and "wonderful" and (almost literally) "awesome."

This connects to the concept that we can only change ourselves. We can try and try to "improve" other people, and not achieve much besides annoying them. I need to avoid assessing my son and trying to pour "betterness" into him. It's his job to become himself; it's not my job to critique his approach.

(This change of heart, change of mindset stuff if really awkward to translate into words and sentences. It sounds so hokey!) (Lookee there, another judgment.)

—Betsy Hill

On rules versus principles:

I've tried using the Principles vs. Rules approach but those darn rules keep sneaking back in. Basically, I don't trust MYSELF, or my kids right now. I know I need to work on this...

It helped me to think of single words, and I have refined it for myself this way:

If it has a verb in it, it might be a rule.

Start with the action sentence and then work back to see if there is a Principle buried, or if the motivating factor is some tape from your childhood, or a fear instead of Trust moment, instead of a Principle.

Principles are nouns, which then inform action sentences so that they are not arbitrary. If you can find the noun, you might have found the Principle. We can choose the Principles we live by. We can explain the "why" behind the verb, in a way that is relationship enhancing.

EG "Don't put your finger in the light socket"—Real Principle: Safety—you can explain why, and maybe do some other explanations and then maybe it leads all over the universe of physics. Wow. Or not. But relationship enhanced either way.

(We might also choose to express it as less of a directive in the first place, especially with Jayn: "It's dangerous to put your finger in the light socket.")

"Don't put your finger in the light socket"—Underlying Rubric: Obedience—"because I said so"—lack of trust, lack of understanding, end of conversation. Maybe kid waits until alone and sticks finger in light socket. Relationship diminished.

—Robyn L. Coburn

Robyn's right philosophically, but wrong grammatically. Just had to say... Principles aren't literally just nouns. Just in case there's someone here planning to be even more literal minded than I'm being at the moment, "is" is a verb, and "Safety is important" is a principle, but it leaves the whole world of possibilities about how to decide what is safe enough, or more safe, in each instance. It's not saying what exactly to do except to BE (a verb) safe.

Those imperative/command verbs, though... those are, as Robyn says, probably clues that a rule is being uttered. Statements about "sit" and "hush" and "speak" and "eat" are often about telling people what to do and what not to do and where and how and when to do it (or not).

Ren and I corresponded about these kinds of things last fall, and a bit of that's here: sandradodd.com/rentalk

My mom had a ton of rules. They were extremely arbitrary and detailed and oppressive. Goofy rules, most of them, but there was a rule against talking back, so I couldn't say "That's stupid," and I couldn't laugh, and I couldn't say "Gee," even, because that was short for Jesus, which was "taking the Lord's name in vain." It didn't matter that my mom drank most Saturday nights and hadn't been in church for years—the rules remained.

You can change from rules to principles. It might help to try to figure out the principle behind that which is... respect. (Noun AND verb, and so I leave in a little cloud of confusion.)"

—Sandra Dodd

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