UnschoolingBasics...

On reluctant spouses:

Why is it that it seems the majority of moms actually look into things concerning their children whereas Dads don't (that is an in "general" comment from reading many other posts concerning DH's)?

It is, unfortunately, a very general thing with men. When women are pregnant they will read all kinds of books and such; men will not. Women feel very connected to their children from the start—mostly because we are carrying them. I think men always feel "late to the party."

Also, men tend to be very 'logical' beings, and so they are more apt to stick with what works. Women will sway with the changing needs of their children. My husband always says women are like the seasons and men are like time—and it's true. And both work really well together. It just takes time for a man to see certain things that are outside of his realm of "expertise." But, given time, it's possible for them to come around and understand.

Be true to RU, take your time with it. Don't force it on your husband just as you wouldn't force workbooks on your kids. Allow him to share in the fun and the living, and continue to talk to him about it. Talk to your children too, and help them to understand (as someone else said) that it will take time for dad to 'get it', but that he loves them just the same.

My husband is s-l-o-w-l-y coming around, bit by bit. He (like many men) likes to feel in control of situations, and unschooling can look and feel very out of control. He's learning to let go of the "that's not how it was done in my house" and "I wasn't like that as a child" etc, etc (sigh), and he's enjoying his children much more.

Ask your husband why he wanted to have children. Was it just to have little people mimick him? Or was it to enjoy watching them unfold and learn about life. Did he have children to say "yes, I have children," or did he have children to watch someone else's spirit blossom and to be a guide and facilitator for that spirit?

Of course, word that in a very non-judgmental way, and in a way that your particular husband will understand....and good luck with it.

—Maisha Khalfani

You and the kids don't have to change what you're doing. You feel good about it. The kids are starting to get it. It's okay if in a friendly way you express that Dad doesn't understand unschooling yet, so he's going to need time.

In the meantime, don't worry about his getting unschooling—help him figure out ways to communicate with the kids that won't make the kids feel squashed. I'd ask him to read something like Liberated Parents, Liberated Children or How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

The thing about all this stuff is that it can be scary! Your husband was psyched when your son had this goal because it made him feel safe. He could tell people that his 12 year old son was studying because he wants to finish high school and go to college early. He WILL get it, but he needs time to see it in action. Think about it....you've read here for a long time, and just NOW you've become passionate.

Ask him to look for stuff that your kids are doing that seem cool, or to find things that they can do together that will be fun. Ask him to be gentle in his communications with them. Tell him you'll try to be patient as he goes through HIS process.

I suspect your son's interest in the GED was a kind of Prodigy Complex. He liked the idea of entering college really, really young...that would seem impressive! He might be a kid who would really like a big, flashy project that could get him a lot of attention. That's not a bad thing.

It's going to be okay. He sounds like he's a nice guy who adores his kids, and you. Changes, good, bad, big, little can be challenging. Don't worry."

—Kathryn Baptista

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