What is it like to be mindful? It's like trying to explain how to see beauty: somewhat elusive but inspiring. It's a question worth asking many times during a lifetime, for in each moment there is more than one answer. With each answer, I find that I develop a deeper relationship with mySelf, which in turn supports my relationships with my family, friends, and others. Recently, I have been working with some new ideas about mindfulness. Along the way I am noticing some major changes in how I relate to myself and my life's experiences, especially with respect to deep emotions.

We are always making choices. External stimuli along with our own thoughts and judgments can trigger us, and we tend to make certain choices because of them. But, if we make the choices based on a deep connection with our feelings and needs, then we are making a mindful choice. It becomes a choice made out of a deeper sense of self-awareness and self-connection, from a place of being our own witness, rather than merely being a conditioned reaction arising from our cultural consciousness.

So, one new idea that has helped me achieve this mindfulness is to reframe the way I express my needs. I have felt significant shifts toward spaciousness and possibility when I recognize I have a need, rather than the contraction and tightness when I state that my need isn't being met or, in other words, I have a lack. Try it out. Think of a situation where a need of yours isn't being met.

Say out loud,

"My need for (fill in the blank) is not being met."
Then sit with this, and allow yourself to feel what's going on for your body. You may wish to say the statement out loud again. Feel your body.

Now, say this out loud,

"I have a need for (fill in the blank)."
Now sit with this, and feel your body. Consider carefully any differences you may have noticed.

Another new idea I've been exploring has to do with being more of a witness to myself and my thought process. In the past, when I was aware of my internal witness it felt like I was standing at a distance from myself casually observing a show. Recently, however, I feel much closer and more of an active participant. Rather than just observing whatever comes up, I am now noticing and observing what comes up and then making choices about where I can go with it.

For example, recently while my husband and I were talking about some minor details relating to our business, I began to notice feelings of grief arise within me. Witnessing these feelings allowed me to recognize that it related to something that happened a few years ago, and I had no idea that I was still feeling sad and upset about the event.

At times, I've been willing to give myself space to feel what's going on. Although I might not like the feeling, rather than push it aside or get on with my day or think of something else or follow whatever other distraction comes up, I've chosen to feel it.

This isn't necessarily a good thing, because I have gotten a bit lost in the thoughts, bringing myself down and feeling stuck around whatever the issue was. This feeling of getting lost in the process is one reason why I think I've also chosen strategies of distraction in the past. My fear was that I would get lost. So I've tended to bounce back and forth between distraction and getting stuck.

Now, I have been noticing my thoughts as I go deeper into the feeling. Most of my thoughts tend to make me feel the emotion even more intensely. In these moments I am now starting to see a new choice.

My conditioning (the old choice) was to follow the thoughts. At the time, I thought I was letting myself feel what came up rather than distracting myself. But often, I was judging my feelings because I was entrenched in the accompanying thoughts. Then, I would usually end up in the blame game or stuck in the cultural paradigm of good/bad.

For example, I might have felt sad because when someone did something, I would focus on the need of mine that was not met. When I continued to have thoughts about what I had lost, I might start to blame that person or have more thoughts about why my strategy was good and theirs was bad. This pattern added stress and a sense of separation to my relationships. I was looking for something more, something that would enliven, strengthen and nuture my well being and my connections with others.

My new choice is to bear witness to my thoughts, to notice how they are creating additional feelings; then, I follow those feelings instead of the blaming or judging thoughts. The process of being a witness to my own feelings usually takes me further into mySelf in the moment. I start to become more connected with what is really alive for me—that part of me that I may not have been in touch with for years because it's not culturally supported! This new choice is about what I need now, inthis moment. It's no longer about another person, or blame or judgement, or the solution I might cling to because it once met my need. Instead, this new choice is about what is alive right now.

As I go deeper into the process of connecting to my feelings, I become aware of my own deeper needs. Because my focus is on my feeling body, when I do have these thoughts I thank them for offering some clarity. Then, I continue to follow the feelings, but with some new awareness. I try to imagine what needs these thoughts might be addressing, and this process has become a way of using the thoughts to fully address the feelings, to reconnect with mySelf and thereby be more present and available in my relationships.

Back to my example: when I started feeling really sad about the event that happened a few years ago, I didn't follow the thoughts toward blaming the other person (yet again) or getting stuck in the feeling/thought "there's nothing I can do." Instead, I witnessed those thoughts taking me more deeply into my need for collaboration. When I had another thought, it took me to my need for creative partnership—especially with my husband. Now, instead of feeling sad, stuck, and hopeless, I felt like there were an infinite number of possibilities for meeting my needs! I felt hopeful, excited and joyful.

This shift of awareness that I've described doesn't always happen in the moment. At times, I have had the awareness after a triggering event though even with this experience I have started to see a shift. When I do realize that I may not have been connected or I may have been stuck in blame, judgment or loss, then that is a new found moment to practice. That becomes the moment of opportunity to now become more fully connected with mySelf and with what is alive now.

Here is another example of the way this process works with parenting as well. The other day while my daughter and I were shopping, her wallet was stolen. My daughter was devastated and overcome with a lot of emotions. She was crying, of course. In my attempt to try to find her wallet, I felt hurried and was distracted by my own thoughts as well as her crying. I did not connect with her as I would have liked; instead, I said something like "It will be OK, you don't need to cry about it."

During that moment in the store, I was not mindful or aware. I was not participating as witness. Later, when I had more space and an opportunity to reflect on what had happened, I was able—in that new moment—to make the choice to follow my feelings. As I witnessed my thoughts about how I shouldn't have reacted and how I should have supported my daughter more, I connected with my feelings of self-blame. While witnessing those feelings, I connected with my deep sadness at the lost opportunity. I shared my regret with my daughter. That communication gave us a new moment to connect with each other and gave me the chance to support her with more space.

The goal of being a mindful witness isn't to be perfect but rather to notice what is alive for us in each moment. There are times when we may miss those opportunities, but those times lead us to new moments. The shift toward becoming a witness to one's own feelings is about making the choice actively to participate in each moment. Through this participation, I am finding a deeper joy and interconnection to my relationships and life's opportunities.

Mahalo,
Barbara

Barbara lives in Northern California with her husband, daughter, cats, and guinea pig. She enjoys spacious landscapes, walking among redwoods, swimming with dolphins, artistic creations, and especially playing with her daughter. In addition to living an unschooling life and facilitaing her daughter's exploration of the world, she is a craniosacral bodyworker, a web designer, practices Nonviolent Communication, meditation, and yoga.