I've certainly not noticed impatience or self-centeredness in my own children or in the other unschooled children I know who are not punished in any way. They are treated with respect and, in turn, are respectful of others. They are listened to and, in turn, listen to others. They are treated with kindness and, in turn, are kind to others.

I do see a lot of unhappy children around us. They invariably are children who are disconnected from their families and who live with the knowledge that they are not in control of their minds or bodies.

When interacting with my kids, I focus on our relationships and their emotional cores. Punishing them would put distance between us and damage their senses of self. Giving them respect rather than discipline allows us to have honest relationships and keeps them whole. Rowan and Dagny have wonderful self-discipline. They've been given an opportunity to develop it. Jon and I talk with them, tell them what we think, answer their questions, and talk about their feelings and the feelings of the people around them. Not using discipline to control a child's behavior does not equate to being an uninvolved parent or having inconsiderate children. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

Neither of my kids has ever broken something on purpose. I'd imagine that, if it did happpen, she must be very upset about something and would probably regret doing it pretty quickly. I know that's how I feel when I do something in anger. I'd console the person whose item was broken, replace the item if possible, and try to find out what's really bothering my child so I could help her to feel better. I can't imagine what punishing her would accomplish.

Both kids have broken things accidentally. When that happens I focus on the child, not the object. I make sure she understands I don't value the broken item anywhere near as much as I value her.

If Dagny or Rowan wanted to drive a car, I would ask whether she wanted me to bring her to an empty parking lot or cemetery where she could drive safely, or sit on my lap and drive if she couldn't reach the pedals. I'd find a place with go carts she could drive, show her how to drive the ride-on mower, and brainstorm other ways she could do what she wanted to do. While it wouldn't be possible for her to drive on roads (real life limitation) I would do everything I could think of to get her close to doing what she wanted.

My parents did not allow me to curse. I cursed and still do. You cannot truly control another person. You may be able to control what she does when she's around you, but you cannot control what she thinks or believes. You can share your values and opinions with her, but in the end she will form her own. I want to know my kids for who they really are. I don't want them to feel they have to hide parts of themselves from me.

To me, cursing and being hurtful with words are two separate issues. Rowan and Dagny have always used whatever words they want. I encourage them to be kind and do what I can to help them resolve situations in which they might feel a desire to be hurtful in peaceable ways. The word peanut can be used to hurt someone (What do you have? A peanut for a brain?), and for me the words in our vocabularies are nowhere near as important as how we use them.

Patience is learned through experience and over time and may well have more to do with personality than anything else. We no more need to teach our children to be patient than we need to teach them to read. If patience is important to you and something you hope your children will develop, focus on your own level of patience. Your children are watching how you behave as much as, or more than, they are hearing what you say.

Dangy and Rowan are two of my closest friends. They probably know me better than anyone else does. We share every day and extraordinary experiences. The relationship Jon and I have with them almost requires a whole different vocabulary than the average parent/child relationship. For me, this is the most wonderful benefit of living an unschooled life. Our lives are intertwined and connected. I can guarantee you that they feel loved, because that is the number one priority in our family.

Rue Kream is living happily ever after with her husband, Jon, and two children, Dagny and Rowan. She is a passionate advocate of unschooling and respectful parenting and is involved in the creation and maintenance of the Unschooling.info website. Her book, Parenting A Free Child: An Unschooled Life, is available at freechild.info.

Excerpted with permission from Parenting A Free Child.