Always Unschooled...

On food freedom:

It's ALL DAY LONG that she wants sugar. This has been going on for months. Tell me this will pass!

IMHO, unschooling food isn't about maintaining control over the food, nor is it about lack of parenting. If control (ie. not buying certain foods because you are the one w/ the buying power) is the focus, then it's a setup for a power struggle. And with lack of parenting, well... then we aren't really in relationship and taking care of our kids. Again, it's the either/or paradigm.

So what is it about? For me, it's about finding the balance within the relationship. For me it will look very different as compared to anyone else, because we are all different people, with different needs and personalities. For example, each year at Halloween we throw away candy from the previous year's trick-or-treating event. But that's what it's like for us. RU isn't about how to get your life to look like mine... that's still putting the "good/bad" labels on life's experiences.

There are some cookies that I will eat too many of if we have them around, and the other members of my family are willing to work w/ me around that issue. We work together to find a balance w/o saying "no." If Nicole wants cookies, we may find another option that I won't demolish right away. Or, we might go ahead and get them but put them in a special container so I will not eat them up. We find ways to make it work for everyone.

—Barbara

This issue has come up a few times in the thread on food and I really want to jump on it with both feet.

If I am the person who does the buying, I have the absolute power over what to get, right? I decide. I win. Problem solved. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ouch. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to build within your family? One based on power-over?

When kids are really little, can't communicate, and aren't terribly aware of the world its very easy to do this without it seeming to be an issue of power. We want the best for our kids, so we buy the best. We "only have the best" (or the best we can afford) whether food or toys or whatever. But as kids get older and start having oppinions we have to find ways to honor those wishes while still honoring our own principles.

There's no quick-and-easy-answer here. Money and power are big hot- button issues for a lot of us—especially us moms who are Not the bread winners of the family. We have to find ways of dealing with these issues inside ourselves so we can develop open communication with our families and have respectful relationships with our kids.

When Mo was younger I had the luxury of thinking "only have good food and she'll only eat good food." Very smug and sanctimonious, was I! I had it all figured out! Then my kid started noticing what other kids were eating. She started looking at the products in the grocery store with new interest. She started Refusing to Eat high- quality home-made, organic foods and asking for junk. Panic. I had failed. I actually considered "waiting her out" and just not buying the stuff until she had to eat the Good Food. I'm glad to say I came to my senses.

I'm not interested in creating a power struggle with my kid over food or spending in general. I see how that looks in other families—do this and I'll buy you that. Eat this (like a Good Girl) and you can have that. I am interested in developing open communications with my kid. She and I are both strong personalities and I want to honor that in both of us. To do that I have had to step away from ideas like "doing what I want" vs "doing what she wants." Everytime I find myself thinking either-or, I send up a little red flag in my mind and try to re-think the problem from another direction.

Generally "another direction" involves diving down into the underlying issues and sorting them out to some extent. Food is not just about nutrition, its about taste, texture, experimentation, socialization, affection... communities can form around food. Buying things can be about cost and relative value, and it can also be about gifts, celebration, discovery .... relationships can be built around shopping. When we deny these other issues we deny the fullness of our humanity.

I'll say it again: there is no quick and easy answer. I try to avoid thinking in terms of "what works." Starving my child into compliance would have "worked" for awhile. I chose to see food from a different angle, and some days that's a real struggle—like the days when my kid eats an entire package of cookies and nothing else. Instead of seeing my kid "getting away with something" or "doing something harmful" I honor the joy I see in her self-reliance and make a note to look for/create more foods that she can enjoy with no adult "assistance." I see the fun of scraping the filling out of the middle of the cookie and wonder if she might like some crackers with peanut butter or cheese to scrape off. I see her squishing a donut and ask her if she would like to make play-dough today. These are things I can only see when I'm not "going there" with OMG she's not getting enough Nutrition! I'm such a terrible mommy! Look at the Waste! Where is my picture-perfect child?

Some days my fabulous child eats junk food. Some days I drive to the store Just to buy candy. Some days my kid turns up her nose at all the "junk" in favor of "wholesome" foods. Over time I can see her balancing her body's needs—but far more exciting to me is that over time she and I are becoming partners in the process of selecting what to buy based on a combination of need, interest, finances, enthusiasm, space, value.....its not a simple process. I am frquently amazed at the sophistication my 4.5 year old can bring to the process of selecting a breakfast cereal. She is able to be sophisticated because I haven't gone for the simple solution of "being the one who decides."

—Meredith

On letting go of fear:

—well,I think there are things that children have to be taught..they don't know for themselves and i can't see how they could find out if you don't "teach"them...like i asked my son today what he do if someone in a car stopped and called him over offering him candy—i asked him if he would go..he said yes! I had to tell him that was wrong..the person would be trying to get him and maybe hurt him.

I don't believe there are things that children have to be taught, but
I believe that there are many important things children learn from living life with many caring mentors in their lives, available to model, demonstrate when asked and offer valuable information for consideration in important situations.

I never wanted my children to be afraid to live in the world. I wanted them to see the world as a glorious, fascinating, beautiful, wonderful place to be. I wanted them to talk to strangers in the grocery store, library and on the street. I rejoiced when my children held conversations with little blue haired ladies, well-meaning and friendly cashiers and weren't afraid to take a book up to the library counter. These were empowered children—children who saw the good in the world, expected the best from people and brought joy and smiles into other's lives, knowing that their mama or papa was just steps behind them, there to catch them up in a hug or redirect situations should them become uncomfortable from a parental perspective.

I didn't need to teach my children how to talk to strangers because I was always with them, modeling and helping and keeping them safe. Stranger-danger and safety talks are for—to be perfectly blunt—people who send their children out into the world alone, to be watched over by someone responsible for watching 10 or 20 or even 30 other kids.

I don't want my kids to ever be afraid—fear is the single most disempowering emotion I know. I remember those assemblies we had on fire safety as a child, and I remember the anxiety and fear I felt laying awake, worried that my house would burn down and take my family, or maybe my pets or even just my cherished possessions. I don't want my children to live in that kind of fear, and I know I can't be the parent I want to be if I am dwelling in a place of fear either.

—Danielle

I wanted to mention instinct. When I was a kid I remember often being in situations that did not feel "right" but being forced to be polite or be respectful etc. Since I try to never do that to my dd, she is much better about following her instincts. I think it goes hand in hand with the discussion about not making our children reply to adults who ask impertinent questions. My dd has no problem walking away from situations that do not feel 'right' to her. Therefore, I feel that she is less vulnerable then kids who are constantly 'taught' to respect adults, follow orders, or be polite. I think allowing your child to listen to their own instincts is a far greater protective advantage than explaining to them the potential dangers and exposing them to fear. The biggest lesson for me in my unschooling journey is to understand that decisions made out of fear are never my best decisions."

—Beth1813

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